009 Dianne goes to get fish and chips

It had been a stressful day for the Gogs, what with Copley's rescue and then the ice cracking. And now the four Gogs who'd fallen into the icy water had run off into the gathering darkness. Ma was distraught. First she had nearly lost her son and now her daughter had disappeared. "It will be impossible to find them now," said Dianne. "Let's get a fire going, and wait till morning."

Meanwhile, old Uncle Bartlow's tummy had started to rumble. "I'm so hungry I could eat a couple of T-rex steaks," Bartlow muttered petulantly.

"Surely you mean T-bone steaks?" queried Dianne.

"No I don't, young lady," snapped Bartlow irritably. "I mean T-rex steaks. You hardly get any meat on those puny cow steaks." And with that he turned his back on Dianne, his mind rerunning fond memories of when he had regularly dined out on dinosaur.

"I vote that Dianne goes and gets us fish and chips," suggested Wormwood, trying to keep the peace. Although Dianne was really too tired to cycle off in search of chips, she reluctantly agreed. "And remember, no salt," Bartlow called after her, but Dianne was already some distance down the road.

"What on earth did Bartlow mean by 'no malt'?" pondered Dianne as she pedalled her bike down the road. "Malt vinegar, I suppose." Dianne was terribly tired now and she was starting to wonder whether she would ever find a chip shop. Then, at the end of a lay-by, she saw a welcome sign: Fats Vannelis, best fish and chips this side of Chatteris. "Sorry love, I'm packing me van up for the day, had enough of all this cold weather," called out a rotund man from inside the van as Dianne approached.

"But Mr Fat, I mean Mr Vannelis, I need ten bags of chips, ten large pieces of cod, ten battered pineapple rings, and a couple of chip butties for the crows," pleaded Dianne.

"That's an awful lot of food for one lady and some smelly old crows," replied Mr Vannelis who had always hated crows. Dianne quickly explained that the food wasn't all for her, but for some hungry hills as well. "Well, well," said Mr Vannelis when Dianne had finished her explanation, "more hungry hills. You know, I go for months without serving a single hill, then two lots want feeding in the same day. OK, I'll see what I can do Miss . . . salt and vinegar?"

"Just salt," answered Dianne vaguely. "What do you mean, two lots?"

"That bunch over there with wet feet . . . they nearly ate me out of battered eel," replied Mr Vannelis pointing behind the van. And there, at the back of the van, was a sorry sight. Huddled together for warmth were the four missing hills.

"Wandlebury . . . how . . . how the dickens did you get here?" Dianne was so flabbergasted to see the missing hills that she had trouble getting her words out.

"Oh Dianne, we are really glad to see you," squealed Wandlebury. "We ran and we ran and we ran and then we met that nice man over there who gave us lots of lovely food, but now I want my mum and I don't know where she is, or how to get there, or anything . . .." Wandlebury's voice dwindled away into silence, broken only by wretched snuffling and occasional sneezes from her companions.

Dianne wasted no time in chivvying the lost hills back to the campfire, where she began to hand out the greasy packets of fish and chips to the ravenous hills. But then suddenly there was a blood-curdling yell from Bartlow. "Salt," he screamed at the top of his voice, spitting out the half-eaten contents of his mouth. Chips, pieces of fish, and greasy bits of paper flew in all directions as the Gogs endeavoured to get the salt as far away from themselves as possible. Wormwood even tore the remaining fish suppers out of Dianne's hands and flung them over a nearby hedge where a bemused badger thought that Christmas had come early. "What on earth are you doing?" Dianne yelled angrily over the chaos.

A badger gets a pleasant surprise

"Oh Dianne, don't you remember why we're heading north . . . to avoid the salty water . . . you know global warming and all that?" Bartlow muttered incoherently. "We hate salt even more than water," he finally bellowed at full volume. And with that, the Gogs all turned their backs on Dianne and settled down to sleep someway away from their human friend.

Will the Gogs ever forgive Dianne?

Find out in the next episode.

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